I went and saw Once I was a Beehive with my mom tonight. And the water works were a flowing free tonight. The movie reminded me so much of my time as a young woman "stuck" at girls camp after girls camp, after flipping girls camp. So if on the surface it seems like girls camp was a torture device my parents used on me, why did the movie touch me so?
Upon reflection, I realize I could identify in some way with all of the girls in the movie. Honestly, think most of us can. I have been the annoying goody-two-shoes trying to prove my self as the most righteous girl there all while trying to please my mother. I have been the one singing the loudest, and also the one giving other girls dirty looks for singing obnoxiously loud to camp songs. I have sneaked things to camp that I know I shouldn't have (can any one say Gen-1 Ipod shuffle?) and I have helped other girls hide their own contraband. I have been overly excited to go to camp, and I have also dreaded the week long imprisonment in the backwoods of Utah. I have felt the need to direct my younger sister in the ways of the camp, and also need some encouragement myself. So it seems fitting the silly, one dimensional mormon girl stereotypes have seem to struck a chord, because in reality, none of us are one dimensional, and we have all played different roles in our dysfunctional ward family at one time or another.
So many old memories were brought up in the movie, making me think about things that I haven't in a while. First the tent assignments. I camped with the same girls all the years of girls camp. To this day I can hear them giggling, and sharing their insights about life late at night, as we huddled up in our moon lit tent. So, to you, Lyndi, Karen, Tara, and Karina, thank you for being my sisters through camp.
The next memory was probably one of the closest parallel to the plot of the movie was when the girls tents collapsed in the rain. I think it was when I was a Mia Maid, that the Beehive's tent collapsed in the middle of the night under the weight of the rain. Who ever designed a flat top tent was not thinking ahead. The moment forever remember was the sound of the screams as the tent engulfed the girls and they were swallowed up in the abyss. Sorry to any of those girls who might be reading this now, your pain undoubtedly brought joy to a great number of us, and hopefully you can look back now and see how truly iconic, yet hilarious that moment really was.
In that movie there were some girls who were a little more than just the stereotypes, and had some serious trials going on in their lives. As they went to camp, those trials didn't go a way, and the struggles they face came with them in to the mountains. The leaders there were not really all the equipped to handle all of those girls struggles. Even the old wise camp director lost her cool at one point. I really like that aspect to the movie. It was very impressive to me that even though those women were always way in over their head through out the whole camp trip, they still pressed on. The leaders wanted to be enough for those girls and wanted to give them all the best experience they could. Did the leaders fall flat? Yes. But were their hearts earnestly trying to do right by the young women whose physical, emotional, and spiritual well being had been placed in their care? Yes.
It is amazing to me to realize that my hind sight is 20/20. My leaders growing up were just like that. They could handle some of the problems, but other problems were just to big for them. But at the end of the day, I know now that they really did love me.
I hope by now you realize that I was a difficult young woman. I was moody. I belittled my fellow young women and leaders constantly. I was arrogant and sharp-tonged. I was down right mean sometimes. I remember one camp year in particular, I was asked to go clean the bathroom for what felt like that thousandth time that week. I just straight up said no. I think it might have been to Sis. Laboa. She threatened me that if I didn't have an attitude change they would send me home early. I am pretty sure I laughed at her and told her to go ahead, because that would mean I won, all I wanted was to go home. Looking back now, I really didn't, I just wanted someone to realize I was in pain. Thanks Sis Laboa, for not sending me home even though I probably deserved to be sent home.
For the most part I feel like my time as a teenager can be summed up as my "dark years". But I had moments of light that shined through. Like the time the stake organized a nature walk all about the First Vision during camp. We had quiet time afterwords and were told to find a quiet spot somewhere just off the trail. We were encouraged to read the First Vision story and pray to find confirmation if Joseph Smith really did see God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. I was the last girl out there that day, the others had all found their way back to the campsite and a couple leaders waited for me back on the trail. I prayed so hard that day for confirmation. I wanted light, and I received it. As I quietly walked back to the trail, Sis. Simmons was their to greet me with one of the biggest hugs I have ever had and she held me as we both cried. I don't know if she remembers that moment, but I do, and I always will remember the love and warmth I felt that day.
I had a lot of big problems that I couldn't handle, and my young woman's leaders couldn't handle. It wasn't until I was an adult and had a touch of life experience that I was able to figure it all out and deal with it all. I used to look back and hate my time as a young woman, and hate all my leaders. I felt like they should have seen me drowning in the dark and murky waters and they should have saved me. That wasn't really fair to them. After finally finding light for myself, I realized that I wouldn't let anyone help me back then, and no one can save someone who doesn't want to be saved.
But now I can look back and know that the friends that I made loved me for being me, more than any of my school friends did. And looking back, I know my leaders loved me, and prayed for me, and tried to help me in all they ways they could. I can look back now and see that they really did save me. How much harder would those years have been if those leaders didn't look out for me? What if no one called to see if I was coming to mutual. What if Sis Siefert never agreed to have long talks into the night with me when I need some love and guidance? What if no one called me out on my bad attitude. What if I didn't have all those extra prayers, lessons, hugs, and endless smiles in my life? Would I be where I am today? Would I even be here? I know I wouldn't.
So I wish, and hope that those leaders know that I finally can fully return their love and support. Thank you to the people who made up my young woman years. As it turns out, you were all who I needed.
In closing I come back to the movie. It ended the way any girls camp ever ends. With a testimony meeting. After a week of high peaks and low valleys, we all came together to share how we felt and what we had learned. It never ceases to amaze me how, at the end of the weeks, up in the mountains-so close to our Heavenly Father-the spirit found a way to soften even the hardest of hearts. Those hours spent, sharing around the campfire were some of the strongest moments my testimony had as a teenager. I felt love I had closed my self off to. I felt a sense of family when I had turned my back to it. I felt light even though I was literally and figuratively surrounded in darkness.
Thank you to those who impacted my camp life. I hope you know I think of you all with warmth in my heart and a smile on my face. And I am thankful that, once, I was a Beehive too.
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