1 in 4

I really like statistics and they implications they have on my life. So there are roughly 318.2 million people in the United States.  According to the website www.howmanyofme.com there are 52 people in this country that have the same name as me.  So 1 out of 16,319,230 people in the US will have the exact same name as myself.  It is likely I won’t ever meet another person with the same name. 

Let’s look at some other stats that maybe put some phobias in perspective.  How about roller coasters? There is an amusement park near to where I live and it has this old roller coaster called Colossus that breaks down all the time.  I have seen people get stuck upside down on the ride because it stopped working mid loop-dee-loop.  I do not ever ride that coaster.  This ride is one of their more popular rides…I just don’t get it.  I don’t think anyone has ever died on the ride, it just has a lot of glitches.  I have a 1 in 300,000,000 chance, in the world, of dying on a roller coaster.  And I will not get on that roller coaster, the risk is too great in my mind. 

 Are you afraid of lightening?  I work at a pool and the way we treat people in water when there is lightening leads me to believe that we should all fear lightening.  Yet only 1 out of every 1,428,571 people, in the world, will die from lightening. Yet we still don’t let people swim when there is lightening. These are examples of things that are most likely not going to kill me, yet are things I steer clear of anyways. 

 What if we look at things that are more likely to kill/harm me but I still engage in anyways.  These stats are for the United States, as reported on www.ncs.org. Guess who owns a dog?  This girl.  I have a 1 in 103,798 chance of being killed by a dog.  Guess who eats food, everyday?  This girl.  I have a 1 in 3,649 chance of choking to death.   Guess who drives a car, almost daily?  This girl.  I have a 1 in 112 chance of dying in that car.

 

So to really understand stats like this I will try to explain to you what those numbers really mean.  If I want to ride a roller coaster, and want to know if I will die on that roller coaster, I am going to put 299,999,999 black pebbles in a big bag and 1 white pebble in that same bag and shake them all up.  Then, without looking, I will pick one pebble out of the bag. If it is black I live.  If I get that one white pebble, I die.  Yeah, I most likely will live.  But 300 million is still too big of a number to comprehend.  So let us try with one of the smaller numbers shall we.  Can you picture 112 of something?  Anything really.  How about a hundred piece puzzle.  It is a green puzzle with one spot of red.  Each piece is green, but one piece has a red dot on it.  Every time you get into a motor vehicle you shake up those puzzle pieces and pull one out and hope it doesn’t have a red dot on it.  Every time you get into a car you take this gamble.   It is all a little sobering is it?

 

How about if your odds for something was 1 in 4.  Four pebbles, three black, one white.  Would you stick your hand in that bag and play your odds?  If I spread out a deck of 52 cards and told you to pick one and you are safe as long as it isn’t a heart, how would you feel? Nervous, scared, like your stomach is going to come out of your butt?  Maybe, maybe not, I mean you still have 3 other options that are safe.  Three black pebbles.  Three other suits.  75% chance of success is actually really high.  If you have a 75% chance of success I hope you take it.  In fact, most of you, like myself, do take this chance and win repeatedly. 

 

So what is this mystical 1in 4 chance that I take all of the time?  Every woman has a 1 in 4 chance of being sexually abused at some point in her life.  So every time I walk out to my car at the same time as the other late night gym goer, or I spend an awkward tense moment in an elevator with a complete stranger, I am putting my hand in a bag that only holds four pebbles and praying for the best. 

 If I believed that the risk was too high, much like I do when it comes to rickety old roller coasters, I would never be able to leave my bedroom.  That goes for all women out there.  And an amazing thing about it as well is that a lot of women have pulled out the white pebble and they continue on, facing each new day clutching her bag in hope that she will never see that white pebble again. 

Another way you could view this chance game is to walk into a crowded room of women.  Have them count off in fours. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four and so on.  Every person who said a four is a victim.  They are the one in four.  As our friends in District 12 would say, “the odds are never in our favor.”

 

I bring this up not to upset people, but to make people aware.  My sister would tell you I am the most “radical feminist” she has ever met, and I actually think that is sad.  I am a far cry from a radical feminist.  I will never burn my bra.  I want to, someday, be a stay at home wife and mother. I know that, physically speaking, I will never be as strong as my male counterpart.  Yet I want equality and justice.  I want to be paid just as much as a man.  I want to run for political office and not be called a ball buster when I run against or disagree with a man.  I do not want to be told what I should wear.  I do not want to have to go all “Wolverine” with my keys when I walk to my car after dark.  I don’t want to have to be told to keep the house locked up when I am home alone in the middle of the day.  I don’t want to have to draw pebbles out of a bag every time I am alone with a man. 

 

These are real problems and statistics I face every day.  A tag on twitter, #yesallwomen, has recently become very popular trying to raise awareness about this issue.  Some of the things people have posted just break my heart, but pretty much all of them are true. Yes, all women walk quickly to her car after dark with a her keys between her fingers, bag tucked in tight, head held high and will quickly scan her backseat before getting in.  Yes, all women know that when a man cat calls you, the best thing to do if you are alone is to ignore it and get to safety as quick as possible whether it is in your car or the closest shop.  Yes, all women know that her high heels make her butt and legs look good and can help with a confidence boost, but it does not give anyone permission to touch her.  Yes, all women know that if you are going to a party or bar it is best to have a secure ride home and a safety plan, but that doesn’t mean she should have to bring her own bottled water and cover all her skin head to toe to be safe.  And yes, all women know that posting things on the internet about her “radical feminist ideals” can jeopardize her current and future career. 

 

There are a lot of things wrong with this world, and I can’t fix them all, especially with just one blog post where I rant about my feelings.  But maybe, just maybe, if we open up our dialog and talk more about what is wrong, like what people are doing with #yesallwomen, then changes will come.  We won’t be embarrassed to share when we are scared or feel like we are being treated unfairly.  Remember, people don’t know what they don’t know and they can’t change it either.  So speak up and let it be known that I am tired of being afraid and I am tired of gambling with my life.  Big changes need to be made and it is possible if we start with small steps. 

 

Moving forward

Sometimes I have a harder time than I let on.  It is really hard for me to talk about my problems, or let the gravity of situations sit on other people.  Often times I will smile or laugh when telling someone things about me that really make me want to cry.  I am incongruent like that, and I am working on that.

But maybe I should back track a little and better introduce this post.  I was recently overly inspired by a friend of mine who found the courage to write and share a very personal post.  I am so thankful for her.  She has given me courage to write about something that I have been putting off.  (Click here to go to her blog)

I recently decided to take a time out from life and make some much needed changes.  I am very blessed to have an opportunity to do this, and I realize that most people don’t get a chance to do this.  I tried to drop off the face of the earth and spend all my time and energy in healing myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  Like a lot of people in their early twenties, I was just kind of bopping around, not really settling or committing to anything in means of a future.  I had just been doing whatever came my way and trying to figure out what I wanted from life.  The difference between myself and many other young adults was that I was sick, and had been for a while.  Instead of getting help, I had chosen to ignore everything my body, mind, and spirit were trying to tell me.  I was ultimately running on empty and had been doing so for quite some time.  I was ready to crash and I knew it was going to be soon, so I mustered the last amount of strength I could find and reached out to get help.  A slew of new friends made from some of the most amazing people ever and an uncountable number of doctor visits later, I had my reset button hit and now I am home and I am trying to rebuild.

 

Some of you know the whole story here.  Some of you just know that I disappeared for a few months.  Some of you, honestly, didn’t even notice I was missing, which is okay.  But I am not really here to talk to you all about the finer details of my personal life (ironic statement, seeing as I am sharing it here on the internet) but I am dying to share with you some of the wisdom I have gained.

 

First, everyone has undisputed, unconditional worth just be being a person.  There is nothing you can do to rid yourself of this worth, and there is nothing you can do to earn this worth.  It is just there. Think about it.  Would you ever look at an infant and say, “This is a worthless person.  What do they do? Eat, sleep, poop, and cry. They have done nothing to have any worth.” No.  They have worth just because they are born.  I think some would argue, and even make some good cases, that you can lose your worth, and I do not agree with them.  People have done some horrible things, but they are still living, breathing, feeling humans.  It is not my job to pass judgment, and I am glad that it never will be.  All I know is that I do not have the right to take their worth from them, not that I could if I wanted to.  So with all this said and learned, when I am feeling my lowest and completely and utterly worthless, I still have worth.  This has been one of the hardest things I have had to learn, and I think is hard for a lot of people.  I still am struggling and don’t know when I will be able to not have to constantly be working on this.  So today I remind myself that I have infinite worth and I fight to believe it.

 

Second, you are never alone.  Not matter how much you isolate, how many bridges you try to burn, how many lies you tell, and how tough you think your exterior is, people will still love you.  You cannot control or change people’s emotions and feelings.  You can hurt them and cause them pain and leave them behind in your wake of prideful wreckage, but they will still love you.  And when you fall, they will be there to pick you back up.  Someone will cry with you while you admit to yourself, them and God that you need help.  Someone will hold you tight so you do not fall completely apart.  Someone will always be wondering how you are doing, even if you do not want them to.  And when it feels like you are completely alone, your Heavenly Father is always there for you.  I know I have some friends and loved ones who do not share my same beliefs but that is okay, because I know that if you ask, you can get the kind of comfort I have received from my loving Heavenly Father.  He knows all of our struggles, and he wants us to get help and be comforted, all we have to do is ask. 

 

Last (for now), you will always be able to overcome whatever comes your way.  As I write this there is a tiny little voice in my head that is saying, “Yeah right.” That voice is an expletive word. Just saying.  Some times in the midst of your trials it seems like there will be no tomorrow.  Sometimes you want to lay in bed with blanket over your head and never resurface. Sometimes pain so immense will almost crush your chest as you gasp for breath.  But even through all of that, tomorrow will come, you have to get out of bed (even if it is only for the bathroom), and you will breathe with ease again.  Overcoming will never be easy or simple, but if you want to overcome, you will.  Victory is waiting for those who want it, work for it, and fight for it.

That is all I have for now, and this post is already too long, so I leave you with one last words of wisdom from Tony Robbins:

“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of Change.”

So how bad do you want to change?  I wanted to change pretty badly.   And some days I have to remind myself multiple times that I want to change.  Change is slow and sometimes painful, but I know I will come out on top.  Life is too short to simply get by, it was made for thriving.