Moving forward

Sometimes I have a harder time than I let on.  It is really hard for me to talk about my problems, or let the gravity of situations sit on other people.  Often times I will smile or laugh when telling someone things about me that really make me want to cry.  I am incongruent like that, and I am working on that.

But maybe I should back track a little and better introduce this post.  I was recently overly inspired by a friend of mine who found the courage to write and share a very personal post.  I am so thankful for her.  She has given me courage to write about something that I have been putting off.  (Click here to go to her blog)

I recently decided to take a time out from life and make some much needed changes.  I am very blessed to have an opportunity to do this, and I realize that most people don’t get a chance to do this.  I tried to drop off the face of the earth and spend all my time and energy in healing myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  Like a lot of people in their early twenties, I was just kind of bopping around, not really settling or committing to anything in means of a future.  I had just been doing whatever came my way and trying to figure out what I wanted from life.  The difference between myself and many other young adults was that I was sick, and had been for a while.  Instead of getting help, I had chosen to ignore everything my body, mind, and spirit were trying to tell me.  I was ultimately running on empty and had been doing so for quite some time.  I was ready to crash and I knew it was going to be soon, so I mustered the last amount of strength I could find and reached out to get help.  A slew of new friends made from some of the most amazing people ever and an uncountable number of doctor visits later, I had my reset button hit and now I am home and I am trying to rebuild.

 

Some of you know the whole story here.  Some of you just know that I disappeared for a few months.  Some of you, honestly, didn’t even notice I was missing, which is okay.  But I am not really here to talk to you all about the finer details of my personal life (ironic statement, seeing as I am sharing it here on the internet) but I am dying to share with you some of the wisdom I have gained.

 

First, everyone has undisputed, unconditional worth just be being a person.  There is nothing you can do to rid yourself of this worth, and there is nothing you can do to earn this worth.  It is just there. Think about it.  Would you ever look at an infant and say, “This is a worthless person.  What do they do? Eat, sleep, poop, and cry. They have done nothing to have any worth.” No.  They have worth just because they are born.  I think some would argue, and even make some good cases, that you can lose your worth, and I do not agree with them.  People have done some horrible things, but they are still living, breathing, feeling humans.  It is not my job to pass judgment, and I am glad that it never will be.  All I know is that I do not have the right to take their worth from them, not that I could if I wanted to.  So with all this said and learned, when I am feeling my lowest and completely and utterly worthless, I still have worth.  This has been one of the hardest things I have had to learn, and I think is hard for a lot of people.  I still am struggling and don’t know when I will be able to not have to constantly be working on this.  So today I remind myself that I have infinite worth and I fight to believe it.

 

Second, you are never alone.  Not matter how much you isolate, how many bridges you try to burn, how many lies you tell, and how tough you think your exterior is, people will still love you.  You cannot control or change people’s emotions and feelings.  You can hurt them and cause them pain and leave them behind in your wake of prideful wreckage, but they will still love you.  And when you fall, they will be there to pick you back up.  Someone will cry with you while you admit to yourself, them and God that you need help.  Someone will hold you tight so you do not fall completely apart.  Someone will always be wondering how you are doing, even if you do not want them to.  And when it feels like you are completely alone, your Heavenly Father is always there for you.  I know I have some friends and loved ones who do not share my same beliefs but that is okay, because I know that if you ask, you can get the kind of comfort I have received from my loving Heavenly Father.  He knows all of our struggles, and he wants us to get help and be comforted, all we have to do is ask. 

 

Last (for now), you will always be able to overcome whatever comes your way.  As I write this there is a tiny little voice in my head that is saying, “Yeah right.” That voice is an expletive word. Just saying.  Some times in the midst of your trials it seems like there will be no tomorrow.  Sometimes you want to lay in bed with blanket over your head and never resurface. Sometimes pain so immense will almost crush your chest as you gasp for breath.  But even through all of that, tomorrow will come, you have to get out of bed (even if it is only for the bathroom), and you will breathe with ease again.  Overcoming will never be easy or simple, but if you want to overcome, you will.  Victory is waiting for those who want it, work for it, and fight for it.

That is all I have for now, and this post is already too long, so I leave you with one last words of wisdom from Tony Robbins:

“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of Change.”

So how bad do you want to change?  I wanted to change pretty badly.   And some days I have to remind myself multiple times that I want to change.  Change is slow and sometimes painful, but I know I will come out on top.  Life is too short to simply get by, it was made for thriving.